From: jerrygao@hlwa.com.hk
To: vinchung@hlwa.com.hk
cc:
Date: September 19, 2011
Subject: Report of transportation delay
Dear Hazel,
SHK Test Laboratories Ltd has not received the routers from our company for the reason that the 13 crates were involved in an accident during the transportation.
According to the original plan, 13 boxes of routers should be sent to SHK on Tuesday morning. The transportation was in the charge of Golden Express Transport. The waybill number is D7356 and the invoice number is TP11685.
According to the original plan, 13 boxes of routers should be sent to SHK on Tuesday morning. The transportation was in the charge of Golden Express Transport. The waybill number is D7356 and the invoice number is TP11685.
Mr Kinko Tanaka, the representative of SHK, called me this Tuesday afternoon saying that they had not received the goods. After checking, I found that the goods were involved in an accident on Tat Chee Road during transportation on Tuesday morning at 8:30 a.m. The driver was injured and most of the goods were damaged. Now the remaining goods were kept by Golden Express in their warehouse.
I have dispatched Tom to check the remaining damaged goods stored in the warehouse, and a representative on behalf of our company must be determined to deal with the case and keep contact with Golden Express. Another 13 boxes of routers will be send to SHK tomorrow, and I will report the case detail to Mr. Kinko Tanaka forthwith.
(GAO Xiongfei 51797817 EN2272 T01 )
Hello Jerry,
回复删除I think your writing is generally well-managed in both structure and contents. However, I still have some comments on it for your reference as follow:
Firstly, I like the subject of the email which clearly pointed out the problem. Similarly, maybe it is good to put the keyword "DELAY" in the summary part, so that Ms. Hazel can easily get the point.
Secondly, through the report,the fact that the routers are urgently needed by SHK hasn't been mentioned. How about showing this to Ms. Hazel to let her know the importance and urgency of the problem?
For the last paragraph, it is really ingenious since you create the scenario and include some additional information by yourself to make the report even more real.That's good ^^
Regards,
Joy
Hi Jerry,
回复删除I appreciate the whole structure of your report, as well as the brief and intelligent expression while stating the facts. Maybe to make it better, you can also improve it on the following parts besides Joy's suggestion,
1."Now the remaining goods were kept by Golden Express in their warehouse."--> I think the word "now" refers to present tense, thus "were" may go a little bit strange with it.
2.I think it is better to mention the "insurance claim" in the last paragraph, since it is related to "money issue" which everyone concerns most, right? ^ ^
3. Finally, there is a little mistake in the last paragraph, to be specific, this sentence-->"Another 13 boxes of routers will be send to SHK tomorrow." Can you find it and figure it out yourself~?
Best Regards,
Shana
Hi Jerry,
回复删除I think your report is clear and well organized. You have used the correct incident report structure: SUMMARY, BACKGROUND, FACTS, and OUTCOME, which well meets the requirement of the assignment. Also you have included the necessary information for Ms. Ho to have a good understanding of the whole incident.
In the second paragraph, how about changing “ The transportation was in the charge of Golden Express Transport.” to “Golden Express is in charge of the transportation.” ? Also, what about making up more details to make the whole report up to about 400 words as required in the assignment one?
Hi Jerry,
回复删除I remember I made comments on yours, somehow it doesn't show up...
You're right in your email about the focus of the incident report. As I have mentioned in a couple of your classmates' work. The recipient of this report is in charge of the asia pacific region and thus it's unlikely that she'll be interested to learn the detail of the crash.
Regarding your report your structure and contents are basically fine
With paragraph one you may want to revise your language. There seems to be room for improvement for the part "for the reason the…t"
It's good that you have mentioned the original plan in paragraph two. It's fine that you have included the waybill number and the invoice number there. You may want to include the details about how the crates were transported from overseas to Hong Kong and whether the same company was in charge of that part. Your supervisor may want to know whether the crates arrived on time to Hong Kong, or whether the delay originates from that route already.
If you want to extend your work, you may consider listing out the important facts for your supervisor to have a clear view of the key facts after your description in paragraph 3. i.e. the document numbers, the full name of different companies involved, etc.
You may want to close your email with a proper complimentary close as well.